Anger was listed among the seven deadly sins for good reason. Anger separates friends and divides churches. It destroys marriages, fragments families and scars communities. It turns us against ourselves and against God.
Ephesians 4.31 tells us to "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger." Jesus equated anger with murder (Matt 5.22) and James warned that "man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (Jas 1.19). Our parents and teachers taught us that being angry is bad. So we struggle to stay calm, fight our feelings and pray that the Lord would take our anger away.
Yet we experience anger daily. Someone says the wrong thing, a project doesn't work out the way we wanted it to, and we're riled. Some of us react aggressively almost without thinking, others of us deny our angry feelings, putting on an outward show of tight-lipped serenity. Either way, we harm ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually, and damage our relationships.
How can we avoid an emotion that seems basic to human nature? Does the Bible offer any advice? Surprisingly, the person in the Bible who is most often angry is God. It can't be, then, that we're told to get rid of anger because it is intrinsically ungodly.
Being made in God's image, we're blessed with the emotions which God himself expresses - not just love, joy and delight, but also sadness, jealousy and anger. Jesus, the perfect and sinless man, was sometimes angry (Mk 3.5) and often seemed exasperated. Our problem is not with the emotion itself, but with the twisted way in which anger manifests itself in our fallen nature.
Anger is a God-given attribute. But what purpose would it serve in unfallen human beings? Surely Adam and Eve had no need for anger in the garden of Eden? In fact, it was a failure to respond with appropriate anger that led to their fall. Eve ought to have reacted with indignation to the serpent's suggestion that she distrust and disobey God, but she didn't. Adam should have been distressed and outraged by Eve's actions, but instead he went along with them.
It's possible to imagine that, even before the fall, Adam sometimes said or did things inadvertently which Eve didn't like. And vice versa. Human beings, even perfect human beings, cannot read each others' minds. We have different personalities and preferences. To some extent we learn how best to love and serve each other by trial and error. We need some way of recognizing what is detrimental to ourselves or to others. Feeling anger is meant to tell us that something is wrong between us and needs to be addressed.
Unfortunately, in our fallen state, anger doesn't always serve this purpose. We respond to the wrong stimulus, react in the wrong way. God's anger is aroused by injustice, idolatry and disobedience. As God, he is entitled to be worshipped and obeyed. Our anger is also roused when our sense of justice and entitlement are threatened, but it's often our own warped sense of justice and an inflated sense of entitlement we are protecting.
Paul, quoting Psalm 4.4, tells us to "be angry but do not sin" (Eph 4.26, NRSV). One difficulty we have in separating anger and sin is that we use the same word "anger" for the emotion, the thoughts that come with it, and our actions. For many people "being angry" means shouting, screaming abuse, foot stamping, fist shaking and even violence. Clearly this is not Christlike behaviour, it is sinful, and needs to be overcome. Let's distinguish this "rage" from more constructive ways of handling angry feelings.
The first step in dealing with anger is prayer. Rather than asking that God remove our anger and render us impassive, we should ask that he redeem it, along with all our fallen emotions. Simply trying harder to be rid of inappropriate anger doesn't work, we need the help of the Holy Spirit to make us more like Jesus. Where we've used aggressive anger to intimidate and control people, we need to repent and seek forgiveness. Likewise, we need to repent of passive displays of anger such as sarcasm, criticism, sulking and withdrawal.
The next step is to become more aware of what makes us angry. This might mean allowing ourselves to feel angry. Some of us have learned to be "good Christians" by suppressing our less pleasant emotions. Feeling angry disturbs us so much that we immediately shift into guilt, shame or withdrawal, without ever consciously saying to ourselves "I feel angry". Whether our anger is justified or unjustified, we can't deal with it until we recognize it.
Then we need to ask "What's the real trigger here?" Ideally we should do this before we act, but those who react may need to ask retrospectively. Is the real trigger for our anger the words we just heard, the unfair treatment we received or witnessed? Or does our anger seem out of proportion? Is this just the last straw, rather than the primary cause? Are we furious with our two year old because we don't feel safe being furious with our spouse? Are we really outraged by our employer's off-hand remark, or does he remind us of someone else? What past hurts are we bringing into the present situation? Answering these sorts of questions may take quite a while, and we may need help in working through them.
Our beliefs and attitudes are also important. Some of us become angered easily because we have a distorted view of how the world is, or should be. We may feel that we're entitled to a pain-free existence, in which no-one ever says "no" to us. Perhaps we think that we can read other people's minds, so instead of asking "why did you do that?" or "what do you mean?" we jump to our own conclusion. We might be perfectionists, or pessimists who always see the one negative feature of an otherwise positive situation. We may be afraid that if we don't keep control of ourselves and everyone around us, something terrible will happen. Again, working through these unhelpful patterns of thinking takes time, and often requires the help of a friend or counsellor.
Having understood why we become angry in a certain situation allows us to decide how we will respond. If the problem is within us - our attitudes and beliefs, or our past hurts - then that's what we need to deal with. If the real cause of our anger is another situation, that's where we need to do business. If we don't feel safe there, or can't go back because the hurt happened too long ago, we need to seek help.
If we believe that we're being treated unjustly, or see an injustice occurring, we need to express our concern quickly, the same day if possible (Eph. 4.26), although sometimes we might need a time to "cool off". God doesn't expect us to allow others to misuse or control us. Anger should prompt us to confront evil, but raging is not the answer. Confronting the other person means telling them clearly what they're doing that is hurting or offending us, without abusing them, judging them or denigrating them to others.
Matthew 18.15 describes the process: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Jesus was speaking of disputes within the church, and went on to explain what should happen if reconciliation is refused, but the same principle applies to conflicts outside the church. Don't let anger fester. Discuss the offence in private, and not the offender in public.
Our choice of words is important. "I feel angry when you make jokes about me" expresses our hurt. "You're an insensitive pig. How dare you laugh at me!" only exchanges wound for wound. If we're inclined to be mind readers, we might start by asking questions to clarify the situation, but be wary of making the other person feel they're being interrogated.
What about forgiveness? That was Peter's question: "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus' answer: "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matt 18.21 - 22). Forgiving without dealing with the issue leaves us open to further evil, and can lead to us feeling what one author describes as "angry love". Not forgiving leaves us open to judgement. God reveals our sins to us, calls us to repent, and forgives us. He expects us to do the same with each other.