Two images
The father, fit and relaxed, points at some distant vision. His wife leans on his shoulder and smiles approvingly while two well-dressed children, a boy and a girl, laugh with excitement.
This billboard family advertises blocks of land in a treeless suburb built on sand. Build here, they seem to say, and you too can have a family which is happy, prosperous and united. The same family, give or take an actor or two, sells everything from cornflakes to car insurance. They represent an ideal.
In reality, only 40% of Australian families consist of a married couple and their dependent children. Of these, about one third are step families. At least 10% of homes are occupied by single-parent families, while 34% contain a couple without children, either because of age or childlessness.
Two sides to family life
As individuals we experience the paradoxes of family life every day. Our deepest feelings of security, our greatest moments of happiness are often associated with being part of a family. We rush home to share our successes or go there looking for consolation and comfort. Few people choose to live alone for long.
Families are also the source of our greatest pain and conflict. Even the happiest families face times of sickness, disappointment and bereavement. For those not in happy families, the hurts experienced at home are often far worse than anything the world can dish up.
"The family" has become something of a paradox in our society too. There has never been greater public attention given to families. At election time, politicians spout pro-family jargon even as they advocate policies which threaten family life. Issues such as child abuse and domestic violence, once seen as private concerns, have (justifiably) become the subject of public policy. The Family Court is there to deal with legal matters affecting the family.
General Practices have become Family Medical Centres. Childcare facilities have become Family Day Care centres. Family therapists and family counsellors abound. There are family videos, family restaurants and family web pages. Of course some of these things are a response to negative developments in family life. But the underlying theme is that families are very important.
Churches too have taken a new look at the family. Calling Sunday morning worship the "Family Service" is just a start. Dozens of books have been written in the last few years extolling and encouraging "Christian family life". Nowhere is the Billboard family more welcome than in the church.
On the other hand it seems clear from the statistics, as well as from our own experience, that families are under greater stress now than ever before. Statistics have to be used carefully. We have no way of comparing the rate of divorce today with the rate of unhappy but lasting marriages two generations ago. If we compare the present with the 1950's and 1960's, we could be looking at a "golden age" for marriage and family life which was historically unusual.
But even taking this into consideration, it is still true to say that family life is changing, and the changes are stressful to many. Even those whose own family is functioning well feel a sense of anxiety at what they see happening around them.
Everyone has their own theory on the cause of the apparent breakdown of family life. Changing gender roles, working mothers, longer working hours, job insecurity, unrealistic expectations, contraceptives, lax sexual morals, government interference, easy divorce..... the list goes on. One thing is certain - the Billboard family are a false image offering false hope.
Two biblical views
The Bible is sometimes used to reinforce the image of the ideal family, adding a religious dimension to a secular concept. Living up to the ideal becomes a Christian duty, and those whose family life falls short in any way find themselves subtly excluded.
The family is certainly honoured in the Bible. It is there in the very names "Father" and "Son", (although we should be careful to note that the Father and Son were there long before the family came into being.) It is there in Genesis, man and woman created to become "one flesh". Jesus was born into a family. The church is described not just as the army of God, the temple of God, but as the family of God.
Both the Old and New Testaments offer advice on how families ought to live. "A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife..." (Genesis 2:24). "Honour your father and mother..." (Exodus 20:12). "Wives, submit to your husbands ... Husbands love your wives... Children obey your parents... Fathers do not exasperate your children...." (Ephesians 5:21 - 6:4).
Yet the Bible presents another image of the family. Adam and Eve point the finger at each other and Cain kills Abel in a fit of jealous rage. Sarah and Hagar squabble over their sons' inheritance. Jacob and Laban cheat each other shamelessly, Rebekah steals the family idols from her father, and her son Joseph is sold as a slave by his own brothers. King David is an adulterer, while his son Absolom tries to take David's kingdom by force. In fact, it is difficult to think of an Old Testament family which could be held up as a "model family". Ruth and Naomi perhaps?
Jesus' attitude to his family seems strangely ambivalent. We are told that as a child he lived obediently with his parents. Yet at twelve he led them through every parents' worst nightmare after a trip to Jerusalem (Luke 2:41-50). Later, when his family became concerned about his lifestyle, he was quite harsh in rejecting their call to come home with them (Mark 3:20 - 34).
Jesus honoured marriage, yet he never married. He loved children, yet he had none of his own. He was scathing about the Pharisees' misuse of the commandment "Honour your father and mother" and showed immense compassion towards widows and bereaved parents. Yet he told a wavering follower that he should "Let the dead bury their own dead." He warned that he would divide families, not unite them, by forcing his followers to choose between himself and their family (Matt. 10:34-39).
One God
What are we to make of this? It seems to me that one of the biggest problems facing modern families is that The Family has become an idol. Idolatry is "an excessive devotion to, or veneration for, a person or thing" says the O.E.D. Our society worships the Billboard family.
The idol's high priests - the advertising agencies, pop psychologists and media producers - tell us that never-diminishing consumption, never-failing communication and never-ending fulfilment are the hallmarks of the "good" family. Those who experience something less inevitably feel that they and their family have failed. But the idol offers no solution, no grace and no forgiveness.
The Bible reminds us that, as human beings, we are all flawed. There can be no perfect family on earth because there are no perfect people. Certainly we are to love our families, to care for them as God's word tells us we should. We should be grateful for the blessings of family life. But we should not expect our family to fulfil a role in our lives which only God himself can have.
Jesus' hard words are also a warning that nothing must come between us and obedience to God, not even the good gifts he has given us. I doubt that it was easy for Jesus to turn his back on his family. Yet through his obedience he won their salvation as well as ours.
By Dr Stella Budrikis
© Copyright 1998