The Changing Role Of Fathers
Before the industrial revolution it was common for whole families to work together, on the land or in some cottage industry or trade. Boys often followed their fathers' occupation, learning by observing and copying them.
As factories were built and families moved into urban communities, fathers (and many mothers) had to go "out" to work. Compulsory schooling was introduced, and children began to spend most of their time in the company of other children. The time that families spent together dropped dramatically.
Later, economic prosperity encouraged mothers to stay at home. But fathers have never regained their place as teachers and role models. Most children have no idea what their father does when he "goes to work".
Fathers Under Threat
In the last fifty years, paid employment and state-provided assistance have made it possible (though not easy) for women to raise children alone. The stigma attached to being a single mother has faded. Add to that the medical advances which have made artificial insemination and even cloning possible, and the role of men as fathers looks threatened.
And many men feel threatened. Some have reacted to the changing status of women and children by advocating a return to the "traditional" role of fathers as autocrats over their own little empires. Paul's teaching that wives should be submitted to their husbands, and that children should be obedient to their parents, has been reinterpreted by as a commandment that men should make their wives and children submit.
Other men have tried to recreate themselves as "sensitive New Age guys". But on the whole they have failed to win the respect of women, and have been the butt of many jokes. Their sensitivity often conceals confusion and anger, which only grows when their ungrateful partners walk out on them.
In the meantime, revelations about what goes on behind closed doors have painted a new picture of men as child abusers and wife bashers. As a result, some fathers have become afraid even to hug their own children.
The "absent father", who returns home from work only to hide behind a newspaper or shut himself off in front of the TV is another prevalent image. It is sadly supported by figures which show that many fathers spend less than ten minutes a day talking to their children. Then there are those who absent themselves altogether.
The Neglected Father
Our society does not make it easy for men to be good fathers. It assumes that men are not, and should not be, as fully involved in family life as women. They have no interest in their children's school assemblies and sports days. They don't need time off work to care for sick children at home. They will never be distracted from their work by family concerns.
Whilst the workplace is slowly becoming more family-friendly, most of the changes are a result of women working. Yet surveys have shown that a majority of men would, at least in theory, put their family ahead of their work in order of importance. What is more, those who do put their family first in practice also seem to be more successful at work.
In order to discourage men from behaving irresponsibly, fathers have been legally compelled to support their children financially. But many men are denied access to the children they are supporting. It isn't surprising that they are bitter towards their former partners and a society which seems to see only the female point of view.
It is note-worthy that the recent debate on abortion has pitted the rights of the unborn child against the rights of the mother. Little has been said about the rights of the father. He is given no say on the fate of the child.
What Use Are Fathers?
There is growing evidence that most children are better off in a home with both parents present. They are better off financially- over 50% of children in single parent families are living below the poverty line, as opposed to only 7% in two parent families. They do better academically. And they are less likely to run into trouble with the law, develop psychological problems, or experiment with drugs and alcohol. (Of course there are many children from single parent families who are well adjusted, do well at school, and do not run into trouble. Statistics can only give an overview.)
Both boys and girls seem to need a father, or father-figure, to help them develop a proper image of themselves and the world around them. The importance of fathers to children's development has been taken up as a key element of the so-called Men's Movement. But we now have several generations who have either had no fathering at all, or fathers who have been unavailable to them. How are men who have not been "fathered" themselves to learn to be good fathers to their own children?
Role Models
Some have looked to other cultures to see how fathers relate to their children. Others have studied "successful" fathers in our own culture. Both have come to much the same conclusions.
Fathers have a definite role to play in raising children. They are not accessories or imitation mothers. They need to be there to protect their children, yet be able to stand back and let them take risks. They should be willing to apply discipline - not harshly or unlovingly, but consistently.
They need to spend time with their children, and be truly available to them. Above all, they should be willing to share something of their inner selves with their children, especially their sons.
None of this should come as a surprise to those who have studied the New Testament. God the Father was always available to the Son. There were no barriers between them that prevented intimacy. Jesus spent whole nights in prayer with his Father. He knew him and trusted him. His obedience contained no element of fear.
In turn the Father watched over his son. His ministering angels were there to protect him at the right time. Yet he knew and trusted his son well enough to let him take the risk of being tempted in the desert, questioned by the Pharisees, doubted by his disciples and tested in the garden of Gethsemane.
How many boys would love to hear their father tell the world "This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased"? How many are able to say "My father loves me, and shows me all that he himself is doing"? (see John 5:20)
Yet a false image of God the Father as a wimpish figure, who doesn't really care what we do so long as we're nice to each other, has been offered to a generation who are looking for something better than their own experience of fatherhood. Stories of children being abused by the church's own father-figures, and calls for God to be addressed as "mother" have not helped. It is not surprising that for years fathers have been as absent from the church as from the home.
The amazing thing is that the Father-Son relationship is not just a model for our human families. Through Jesus we can actually know God as our Father. We can be adopted as his children, and experience his love, intimacy, protection, encouragement and discipline. That is surely good news both for fathers and the fatherless.
By Dr Stella Budrikis
© Copyright 1998