Few things bring into question our beliefs and world view as much as having children. Some people are so clear about what they believe that they choose to have children in order to pass on their beliefs. Others, equally convinced, decide not to have children at all, in order to avoid bringing them into a dreadful world. But most of us face the questions of parenthood as they arise, clarifying our own beliefs and understanding of the world as we go along.
Children themselves always want answers to unanswerable questions. But even before our children are old enough to ask questions, even before they are born, we have to make decisions based on our world view. If the pregnancy is unexpected, or the fetus is known to be abnormal, should we abort it? If we find that we are infertile, how far should we go in trying to achieve a pregnancy? Our answers will depend on our understanding of human life and whether we consider parenthood to be a privilege or a right?
After the birth of our first child, questions seem to rain down upon us. Should one parent stay at home to look after the baby, and if so, which one? If the mother is single, how much help should she ask or expect from the child's father? How will the child be disciplined? What should we teach them about right and wrong, relationships and the nature of the universe? Which school will we send them to? What will we tell them about God, or Santa Claus? Some questions have no "right" answer, and parents of similar beliefs will come to different conclusions.
Fundamental to how we bring up our children will be our understanding of human nature. Many people have a humanistic view. They believe that human beings are basically good, and that children are born with the potential to achieve some sort of fulfillment in this life. The purpose of life is to develop oneself to one's full potential. Relationships with other people (and with God, if he exists) are seen as a means to an end, with mutual self-fulfillment being the optimal outcome.
As parents, humanists strive to help their children reach their full potential, through giving them a wide variety of experiences, a broad education, and the right self-seeking attitude. Children are assumed to know what is best for themselves from a very early age. Given a range of choices, they will (it's assumed) naturally choose those things that will help them to grow and develop into happy, fulfilled adults.
At the same time, such parents are busy seeking their own fulfillment, and children are not allowed to get in the way. Unless one parent sees child-minding as a fulfilling occupation, neither will be willing to sacrifice their own development to oversee that of the child. Since they believe that the child must discover its own values and beliefs to reach its full potential, it doesn't matter that neither parent has time to talk about what they believe. In fact, any attempt to influence the child's moral values and behaviour, beyond those needed for simply getting along with people, will be seen as detrimental and "narrow minded".
Many parents don't express these humanist ideas overtly. If asked, they'd say that what they want for their children is health, happiness and a good education so that they can be successful in life. They'd like them to learn to be honest and decent. They would like to spend more time with their children, but the pressures of paying a mortgage and keeping a job are too great. Their children learn more from their parent's example and behaviour than they realise.
Christians have a very different view of human nature. They accept the Bible's teaching that all human beings are born sinful, that is, with the tendency to rebel against their Creator. A newborn baby has done no wrong, obviously, but left to itself it will inevitably become self-centred and self-seeking. It can learn many skills and achieve its personal goals. It can be taught not to lie, not to steal, not to be violent, and can be encouraged to be a good and generous person. Yet if it refuses to recognise God's right to be central in its life, and does not become reconciled to him, it will not have fulfilled its true human potential.
For this reason, Christian parents seek above all else to guide their children towards God and to a relationship with Jesus as Saviour and Lord. Providing the child with the material goods they need to be healthy, the education they need to function in society and the experiences they need to develop their own gifts and character are important but all take a much lower priority.
The sinfulness of human nature is not a popular concept. It can easily be portrayed as a harsh doctrine which leads parents to undervalue and over-discipline their children. Describing children as innocent bundles of creative energy just waiting to be developed seems so much more positive.
Paradoxically, recognising the flawed and imperfect nature of human life leads to Christians placing a high value on all their children. Christian parents grieve over the child born with a handicap. Yet they will recognise that each child has the same promise of a relationship with God through Christ, no matter what their physical and mental abilities are. No life is too damaged to experience the love of God, and no handicap is too great to be healed by God, if not in this life then at the resurrection. There is no question of aborting a child because it cannot enjoy the same experiences as its siblings.
When it comes to discipline, it's true, unfortunately, that some who call themselves Christians believe it is their duty to beat the evil out of their children. Most Christian parents, however, remember that they are sinners like their children. When they discipline their children, their purpose is not to punish sin but to point a fellow-sinner towards the source of truth and forgiveness. While encouraging their children to make good choices in life, Christian parents don't assume that children can make choices without first learning some guidelines.
As sinners who know the forgiveness of God, Christian parents readily offer forgiveness to their children. They set high standards for their children's behaviour, but are ready to acknowledge that they too once struggled to meet those standards (and still do, sometimes). They have no standard to be met before love can be given. Guilt-ridden attempts to buy their children's love and good behaviour through material goods have no place in their lives.
If this sounds idealistic, it is. Real family life is full of friction that creates more heat than light. Christian families survive only because parents are also ready to forgive their partners and themselves when mistakes are made or conflicts arise. They are constantly seeking God's grace and forgiveness. Corinthians 13 is often read at weddings, but it's put into practice in the day to day dramas of family life.
Christian parents continue to go on "hoping all things, enduring all things, believing all things" long after the last child leaves home. Sometimes children choose, like the prodigal son, to turn their backs on their families and squander what they've been given. Parents in this situation take responsibility for their own mistakes and seek forgiveness for them, but they also recognise that their children have their own will and responsibilities. They honour their children by praying that in maturity they will no longer just be sons and daughters, but brothers and sisters, equals in Christ.
Stella Budrikis