I grew up at a time when most mothers stayed at home. My friends and I took our mothers' presence for granted, even as we were declaring that we would never finish up in their situation. Most of us have succeeded, but not without a nagging anxiety about what we are doing to our own children, and a sneaking suspicion that we have traded one set of frustrations for another.
Our confusion and doubts are fed by the conflicting voices around us. "Don't waste your talents" say the educationalists. "Don't let down the side" say the feminists. "We need the money" our partners say. "So do we" add the government.
"But what about the children?" our mothers ask. "Women were meant to stay home and raise godly offspring" say the conservative Christians. And every so often a little voice says "I wish you could come and watch me, Mum" and we crumple up inside.
Benefits and costs
The stay-at-home mother who devotes her life to her children is predominantly an urban middle-class phenomenon. Rural women have always worked besides their husbands on the land. Poor women have had to work to survive, and rich women have handed their children over to others to be looked after.
Since Australian society is largely urban and middle-class, however, our traditional image of mothers is that of the stay-at-home mother. We have little information about what effect women working outside the home might have on children, on families and on women themselves. We are living out a huge experiment.
The studies which have been done so far have produced conflicting results and everyone can find a report which confirms their own opinion. How should we assess a child's well-being anyway? By their self-confidence, their academic performance, their physical health, their manners?
At best, we can say that if a woman enjoys her work, has a co-operative employer, has access to high quality, flexible childcare and a supportive partner then her children are likely to do better than those of a working mother who has none of these. Her children are also likely to be more self-confident and independent than children of a stay-at-home mother, particularly if the stay-at-home mother is bored, frustrated, unsupported and poorly equipped. In other words, happy, contented mothers are good for children!
Unfortunately, many working women are far from happy with their work. Others enjoy the work itself but wonder if it is all worthwhile. Finding suitable childcare is a constant hassle, and a sick child, or a baby-sitter who is suddenly unavailable, becomes a major crisis.
Conflict over who is responsible for household chores strains women's relationships with their families, whilst avoiding conflict by doing most of the housework themselves leads to chronic tiredness. Add to this a sense of guilt about leaving their children, confusion about what they really want to do, and entrapment caused by financial burdens and it's hardly surprising that working mothers often feel stressed!
It is not just families who feel the impact of both parents working outside the home. Many women who stayed at home to look after their own children now find themselves caring for their grandchildren. They, too, often feel trapped and harassed.
With no-one at home during the day to meet the neighbours and carry out much of the voluntary work once done by mothers, suburbs no longer grow into communities. Convenient but impersonal shopping centres replace local businesses. No-one has time to attend meetings, let alone commit themselves to community projects.
The handing on of beliefs and values from one generation to another used to be considered an important part of being a parent. Now a generation without strong values of its own seems happy for a stranger in a childcare centre to answer when their child asks "Who made the sky?", or "Where did I come from?".
Are we asking the right questions?
The debate on working mothers tends to pit the rights and duties of mothers against the needs of children. Fathers are expected to go out to work. If the role of the larger community is raised it is usually in relation to the provision of childcare facilities and improved working conditions for mothers.
But what if we were to recognise that both parents (mother and father) have a part to play in raising children, and both have skills to use and gifts to contribute to society? What if we were to recognise, too, that even the best childcare facility exists for the benefit of parents and employers, not children?
Rather than talking about working mothers, perhaps we should be discussing working parents. We might then start to ask why it is that, between them, parents are working ninety hours or more a week, leaving little time or energy for either of them to spend with their children. Some do it by choice, but most mothers and many fathers would prefer to work fewer hours, if they only they could afford to.
Why does it takes so many hours' work to meet our material needs? Are our needs greater now than fifty years ago? Why didn't the influx of mothers into the workforce lead to fathers having to work fewer hours?
While our needs are the same, our expectations have boomed. What middle-income earner in 1950 would have tried to pay off a mortgage on a four-bedroom, two-bathroom home with a swimming pool? (Bye-bye fishpond!) A cycle has been set up in which two-income families establish a standard of living which raises prices for everyone and leaves single-income families feeling impoverished.
Other things have changed. Our society has switched its emphasis from the common good to the economy. Every activity is evaluated on the basis of economic growth and productivity. Women's desire to be in paid work is surely related to the fact that caring for children is not seen as a "productive" occupation and so is under-valued..
Finding a Christian perspective
Throughout its history, the church has tended to idealise motherhood while giving little credit to mothers. Perhaps in place of sentimental pictures of the Madonna we need to substitute the "good wife" of Proverbs 31. Here is a mother who is also an astute business woman, a skillful craft worker and a shrewd manager. She may not go out to work, (she's pretty much self-employed), but she certainly isn't frustrated, impoverished or bored, and her husband and children bless her.
For the individual Christian mother, the decision to go out to work or stay at home must be made on the same basis as any other decision - through prayer, discussion with her husband (if he is around) and wisdom. While there are several biblical passages on how women should behave as wives, there are almost no references to being a good mother and I don't know of any biblical sanction against mothers working outside the home.
What is apparent from a study of scripture is the degree to which fathers in bilical times were involved in raising children. Rather than arguing over whether or not women should stay at home, we might look at ways of encouraging both parents to meet their responsibilities towards their children.
As a church, perhaps we ought also to be more critical of the assumptions on which our way of life rests. We don't "need" many of the things we are told we
need. By striving to acquire them, we encourage others to do the same. We are also tempted to lose our focus on Christ.
Could we find creative ways of freeing ourselves and each other from such expectations, so that families could live well on a single income? (His, hers, or theirs, whichever works best for each family.) Could we find ways of supporting parents on low incomes so that they are not faced with a choice between raising an income and raising their children? Then we might truly be salt and light to those around us who are struggling with burdens they never intended to carry.
By Dr Stella Budrikis
© Copyright 1998